PRAGMATIC ISSUES

So apparently DOGE—yes, the Department of Government Efficiency—put Social Security numbers on a risky server.

Cue the pearl-clutching, the congressional hearings, and the headlines meant to terrify Grandma into thinking her retirement check just got hijacked by a pixelated dog. Because let’s face it Grandma doesn’t know the difference between the Department of Government Efficiency and DOGE the bitcoin.

The report, filed by the chief data officer for the Social Security Administration (SSA), Charles Borges, alleges that the actions of multiple DOGE staffers “constitute violations of laws, rules, and regulations, abuse of authority, gross mismanagement and creation of a substantial and specific threat to public health and safety.”

Borges’ complaint accuses SSA Chief Information Officer Aram Moghaddassi, a longtime ally of Elon Musk, of violating agency policies to “create a live copy of the country’s Social Security information in a cloud environment that circumvents oversight,” in violation of multiple federal statutes.

The file contains identifying information of more than 300 million Americans, according to the complaint, including records of all Social Security Numbers issued by the federal government and sensitive details required to apply for one — making it a gold mine for potential nefarious actors?!?!?!? 

Wait a second does this guy really think no one else in the world knows about the sensitive details that are required to apply for a social security number? For fucks sake mate that shite is in movies. Moron.

But let’s be honest: DOGE didn’t invent reckless data storage.

They just joined the oldest, most respected club in America:

Every Single Institution You’ve Ever Trusted with Your Identity.

Banks? They’ve been storing your life’s savings on servers that are basically a sticky note with “password123” taped to the monitor. Hospitals? They not only lose your data, they’ll bill you $800 for the privilege of having your medical history hacked. Employers? They’ll keep your Social Security number in an Excel file labeled final_FINAL_reallythisone.xls on a shared desktop from 2009.

And let’s not forget the credit reporting agencies—the real Olympians of data leaks. Equifax practically gift-wrapped 147 million Social Security numbers and handed them over like Halloween candy. Their punishment? A sternly worded press release and, what, a $5 coupon off your next breach?

Yet suddenly, when DOGE does it, we act shocked.

Outraged.

The truth is, DOGE didn’t let us down—DOGE just held up a mirror. The institutions and politicians that tell us they’re “too serious” for Elon Musk and his DOGE are the same ones that treat our most sacred digits—the nine numbers that define our credit, our jobs, our very existence—like they’re raffle tickets at a church bingo.

So if you’re panicking about DOGE’s “risky server,” take a breath. Your SSN has already been leaked, sold, repackaged, stolen, and re-stolen more times than a bad Netflix password. The real scandal isn’t that DOGE joined the party—it’s that the party never ends, and the hosts (banks, hospitals, credit bureaus) are still serving lukewarm punch while shrugging, “Oops.”

At this point, maybe we should stop pretending anyone can “protect” our Social Security numbers. They’ve already gone viral. Instead of security questions like “What was your first pet’s name?” maybe the next login should just be: “Which shady server farm in Belarus already has your SSN?”

Spoiler: all of them