PRAGMATIC ISSUES

By Our Non-Ascended Correspondent

Well, it’s the day after yet another highly advertised Rapture, and here we all still are, bills unpaid, laundry unfolded, traffic jams intact. The internet promised us heavenly airlifts and divine Uber rides to glory. Instead, I got a soggy burrito and the same junk mail from Comcast.

Las Vegas. Tulsa. TikTok. Yesterday, all eyes were on the heavens. Today, all eyes are on Craigslist, where you can buy slightly used couches, “pre-rapture” wedding rings, and entire gun collections for pennies on the dollar.

At exactly 11:59 p.m., believers stood outside scanning the clouds. What they got was weather, not wings. One man in Ohio told reporters he sold his house to “lighten the load for ascension.” Now he’s living in a Holiday Inn off I-70. Another woman in Florida threw a “Goodbye to Earth” sale and got stiffed when her neighbors paid in Monopoly money.

Eyewitness Accounts: “I Quit My Job for This?”

• In Denver, a young man admitted he gave away his PlayStation 5 because “I wouldn’t need earthly joy.” Today he’s refreshing Best Buy listings and crying.
• In Nashville, a woman confessed she maxed out her credit card, reasoning she’d never have to pay it off. Capital One would like a word.
• A self-proclaimed prophet in Vegas had to sheepishly retrieve his pawned Rolex after sunrise. “I was so sure this time,” he said, shaking his head.

Local authorities report that several cats have filed formal complaints after their owners left out “apocalypse portions” of food and then failed to disappear.

Because once again, the Rapture no-showed.

I don’t know who needs to hear this (apparently, everyone on TikTok and a few preachers with suspiciously well-funded RVs), but the Rapture is basically the Y2K of theology. Every couple of years, someone draws up a chart, pins a date, and waits for the sky to open. Spoiler alert, it never does.

The Awkward Biblical Footnote Nobody Mentions

Here’s the fun part, according to the New Testament, the Rapture, if you even take it literally was supposed to happen during the lifetimes of the original apostles.

As in, Paul, Peter, James, John.

That crew.

Jesus himself said some standing there would not taste death before seeing the Son of Man return.

Newsflash, they’ve been dead for 2,000+ years, and nothing has descended from the clouds except rain and Southwest Airlines.

So, if you’re clutching your suitcase waiting for angel wings to scoop you up, you’re about two millennia late for your flight.

A Christian Theory, Not a Cosmic Law

Here’s the hard truth the Rapture is not science, not law, not even universal theology. It’s a Christian theory invented by revivalists in the 1800s who were clearly bored on the prairie. What we do know is this, gravity is real, your mortgage is real, and the dishes in your sink are very, very real, go at least rinse them off.

Today was nothing more than theological fan fiction layered over a few passages in Thessalonians and Revelation, whipped into an End-Times smoothie by 19th-century revivalists who apparently had too much free time and not enough Netflix.

What We Actually Got Instead

Instead of a mass ascension, what did we get? A trending hashtag, some very confused house cats waiting for owners to come home, and a lot of disappointed doomsday bloggers quietly deleting their posts. The only things that rose yesterday were gas prices and my blood pressure.

Maybe We Should Focus on Earthly Problems?

So maybe, just maybe, instead of waiting for the sky to unzip like a cosmic tent, we could focus on fixing the actual messes down here, housing costs, climate disasters, food costs, political dumpster fires. Because last time I checked, nobody’s teleporting us out of this anytime soon.

Until then, relax.

The Rapture didn’t come.

It’s not coming tomorrow.

It wasn’t even penciled in for your lifetime.

You’ll still have to do the dishes.

Sorry.