PRAGMATIC ISSUES

You: a feared outlaw biker gang with your own Hulu documentary, allegedly running underground empires and striking fear into communities nationwide.

Me: a tired Denver local living next to Crack Alley™, I coined the crack ally name and if anyone has a beef with that, get fucked.

Hulu recently dropped Secrets of the Hell’s Angels, and let me tell you, they must be riding through some alternate universe because I’ve lived in Denver for years and I’ve never seen a single Hell’s Angel running anything around here. Unless their big secret is “witness protection in Aurora,” I’m calling BS.

What do I see near where I live? Oh, buckle up, Hulu producers. My neighborhood is crawling with hookers, pimps, and more crack than the parking lot at a Limp Bizkit reunion tour. Forget “Hell’s Angels” the real biker gang here is the shopping carts with busted wheels, pushed by dudes in pajama pants at 3 a.m. I see so many pimp/hooker arguments I just brew some coffee top it off with my own Carmel cold foam and sit down…

The alley next to me? We don’t call it “Route 66,” we call it Crack Alley, because that’s where the real commerce happens. If there’s a biker turf war going on, they’re losing it to a guy named Dab dan who sells crack, women and loose cigarettes behind the dumpster in the Papa Johns parking lot.

Meanwhile, Hulu’s acting like these leather-clad outlaws are running empires.

Please.

In Denver, the only thing being “run” is the toilet after a bad batch of gas station sushi.

If Hell’s Angels really had a grip here, they’d have shut down the Papa John’s on Colfax for crimes against pizza and the neighbours years ago.

Anyway, enough TV commentary.

Real talk, and this is of a rather serious matter,  I need a stud finder. Not for a man (those are even harder to find than an honest city council member), but because I need help hanging a TV and getting rid of some furniture. Payment?

Beer.

Bonus?

The furniture is free to any biker who can actually take it.

So, Hell’s Angels, here’s your chance: prove Hulu right, come to Crack Alley, and haul my couch out of here.