PRAGMATIC ISSUES

America’s latest immigration crackdown has hit an unexpected snag, and it’s not protesters, it’s gravity.

Donald Trump’s big plan to double ICE’s workforce is faltering because more than a third of new recruits can’t pass the agency’s basic fitness test, that’s 15 push-ups, 32 sit-ups, and a 1.5-mile run in 14 minutes.

Officials are calling them “athletically allergic.” The rest of us call them Americans.

What did these guys expect coming from a nation where our obesity rates are off the charts and our younger generations were brought up on devices rather than playing outside, just look at Trump our illustrious leader and his eating habits?

The apple is not falling far from the tree on this one folks.

This is what happens when your authoritarian fantasy meets the modern job market, an army of deportation officers who can’t deport themselves off the couch.

The Unfit State

For years, Trump has bragged about building the “toughest” immigration force in history. Turns out, “toughest” means winded after the warm-up.

Imagine the movie trailer this could be “They trained for minutes. They ran… some of the way and stopped at MCDs. They bring law, order, and possibly their inhalers and an Epipen.”

When even the paperwork is sweating and has grease stains on it, it’s pretty safe to say that the empire’s not ready for a second term.

And to be fair, ICE’s basic test isn’t exactly a Marine gauntlet. Fifteen push-ups? That’s half a TikTok challenge. A 1.5-mile jog in 14 minutes? That’s slower than my grandmother on her way to bingo. These folks aren’t chasing fugitives, they’re chasing the nearest double quarter pounder with cheese with a large order of fries, and a large diet coke.

Authoritarianism on Autopilot

Trump’s America was supposed to be a “law and order” state. Instead, we got “wheeze and paperwork.” The idea was to project power but the reality looks more like an awkward middle-school P.E. class.

The “athletically allergic” excuse is especially poetic. The very movement obsessed with “real men,” “alpha energy,” and “strength” is now tripping over its own shoelaces.

The strongman movement’s biggest weakness… is cardio.

Bureaucratic Boot Camp

The recruitment drive has gotten so desperate that ICE is fast-tracking former officers and skipping parts of the academy to meet quotas. Because nothing says public safety like cutting corners in law enforcement training.

Meanwhile, insiders say many new recruits exaggerated their fitness on applications. Translation, they lied about being able to run, bend over, kneel, walk, lift a 2lbl weight. Which, to be fair, puts them in perfect moral alignment with their boss.

One ICE trainer described it best: “We’re hiring people who think CrossFit is a dating app.”

The Irony Olympiad

This is the same administration that rails against “soft America” can’t pass a push-up test.

The same man who said he’d build the “strongest borders in the world” can’t build an agency that can jog around one, let alone do a single deadlift.

And the same movement that worships “toughness” is now discovering that you can’t deport reality.

So, naturally the recruitment drive is flopping. But it’s also symbolic.

You can’t fake strength.

Not in the gym, not in government, and not in democracy.

A nation obsessed with power and fast food is only as strong as the people it puts in charge of enforcing it. And right now, America’s “law and order” dream looks like it needs a juice box and a nap.

Maybe next time we’ll try something radical like hiring people who believe in the Constitution more than protein powder.

Until then, the empire of biceps remains… under construction.