Apparently, Donald Trump now wants $230 million from the U.S. Department of Justice, for the inconvenience of being investigated. Yes, the man who treats subpoenas like junk mail now believes the government owes him a financial apology for doing its job.
And journalists are breathlessly calling this a “test” of the DOJ’s integrity. As if there’s still anything left to test.
That ship didn’t just sail, it docked, caught fire, and sank somewhere off Mar-a-Lago months ago.
When the Accused Sends the Bill
Trump’s claim, if you can stomach the logic, is that the DOJ wronged him by investigating his campaign and his “document storage” hobby at Mar-a-Lago. His solution? Invoice the agency. To the tune of $230 million. For emotional damages, one assumes.
In Trump’s America, accountability is now a billable offence. It’s like getting pulled over for speeding and sending the police a Venmo request for emotional distress.
“You made me feel persecuted, officer, that’ll be $230 million.”
He’s even said he’d donate any payout to charity, which is adorable. The last time Trump “donated” to charity, the foundation was shut down for behaving like a family slush fund. So perhaps we can expect a new one soon, The Donald J. Trump Fund for Unfairly Prosecuted Billionaires Who Definitely Won Their Elections.
The DOJ, the Dog, and the Steak
Legal experts are warning that this will “test the independence” of the Justice Department, which is a bit like saying a golden retriever’s loyalty is being tested when you wave a steak in front of it.
Let’s remember, this is a DOJ populated with Trump appointees, former Trump lawyers, and people who still use “fake news” in professional correspondence. Expecting them to rule objectively on whether to hand Trump $230 million is like expecting a MAGA rally to break into a rousing chorus of Imagine.
The real question isn’t whether DOJ will pass the test, it’s whether it even recognises that it’s sitting one.
The Integrity Myth
The idea that the Department of Justice’s “integrity” could be compromised now is charmingly naïve. The word integrity implies it was intact at some point. But when you spend months and months being treated like a presidential concierge service investigating enemies, ignoring allies, and explaining away indictments, you forfeit the right to clutch pearls about ethics.
The department’s already operating like Trump’s in-house legal firm. The only thing missing is a reception desk at Bedminster.
An Expensive Punchline
If the DOJ actually cuts that check, it won’t be the end of the republic that happened several scandals ago, but it will make it official that the “rule of law” is now a customer rewards programme. Investigate Trump and you owe him a payout.
Next, he’ll be charging interest.
So no, this latest stunt isn’t “testing” DOJ integrity. It’s just confirming what we’ve long suspected, the test papers were handed in months ago, and the grade came back a solid F for Farce.
PRAGMATIC ISSUES 
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